When Su Xianyu opened her eyes groggily in the middle of the night, the moonlight was slanting in through the window and shining on the edge of the bed.
"… A Lin?"
She reached out and felt around. The other half of the bedsheet was already cold.
Where was Feng Lin at this late hour?
A strange sense of unease welled up in her heart. She stepped barefoot onto the carpet, opened the door, and left the bedroom.
There was a faint light coming from the study at the end of the corridor. Instead of the usual sound of turning pages seeping through the crack in the door, there was a soft, suppressed thud.
The moment she pushed open the door, she saw Feng Lin sitting on the floor with his back to her. The fruit knife in his hand was slicing at his left arm one stroke after another.
It wasn't a fierce cut that would go deep into the bone. It was more like a mechanical, self - punishing cut. Blood beads rolled down his pale skin and seeped into the dark carpet.
"Feng Lin!"
Su Xianyu's sudden voice startled Feng Lin. He quickly pulled his sleeve down.
He slowly turned his head. The corners of his eyes were red, but he still forced a smile on his lips. "Did I wake you up?"
The moonlight streamed in from behind him. Su Xianyu noticed the dark circles under his eyes. His eyes, which used to melt like ice and snow whenever they looked at her, were now frighteningly empty.
"A Lin, what are you doing?" Her voice was trembling uncontrollably. She quickly walked over and tried to grab the knife, but Feng Lin gently clasped her wrist.
His hand was as cold as iron. His knuckles were white from the strain, and there was sweat seeping from his palm.
"Don't touch. It's dirty." He lowered his head and looked at his arm. Suddenly, he let out a soft laugh, his voice thick with exhaustion. "I just… couldn't sleep."
Su Xianyu's tears fell without warning, splashing on the back of his hand.
She hugged Feng Lin back, burying her face in his sweaty neck without a care. "If you can't sleep, just call me, A Lin. Wake me up, okay?"
Feng Lin's body stiffened for a moment, then, as if he could no longer hold on, he leaned heavily on her shoulder.
Su Xianyu even felt him trembling. It wasn't from the cold, but a tremor that came from deep within his bones.
"I'm sorry," his voice was muffled in her hair, with a slight nasal tone. "I didn't want you to see me like this."
The fruit knife clattered to the ground. Su Xianyu closed her eyes and hugged him even tighter.
"It's okay," she gently patted his back, repeating over and over again. "It's okay. I'm here."
The person in her arms suddenly flinched, as if scalded by her words. Su Xianyu felt a dampness on her neck.
"Xiaoyu," his voice was broken, but he still managed to say it. "Let's not have a baby anymore."
Su Xianyu was stunned. Her arms around him loosened a bit, but Feng Lin, as if afraid she would run away, tightened his grip on the corner of her clothes. His knuckles were frighteningly white.
"You… don't want our baby?"
Seeing the sadness and hurt in her eyes, Feng Lin quickly explained, "No! Of course I love our baby."
But he loved Xiaoyu even more!
Since he learned that Xiaoyu was pregnant, after the initial joy, he couldn't stop thinking about what Ruan Sisi had said.
"If you deviate from the right path and force yourselves to be together, Su Xianyu will keep having bad luck until she pays a heavy price…"
These words haunted him like a nightmare, keeping him awake at night. He could only use pain to stay sober.
For an accident like a car crash caused by human factors, he could take extra precautions in advance. But what about childbirth?
The more information he looked up, the more frightened he became.
For a woman, giving birth was like walking through the gates of hell. Even the most skilled doctors couldn't guarantee a 100% success rate.
If the arrival of the baby would put Xiaoyu in danger, he would rather never have a child in his life.
The moonlight happened to shine on his face. Su Xianyu could clearly see the fear churning in his eyes. It wasn't the anticipation for a new life, but more like the despair of facing an abyss.
Su Xianyu gently cupped his face and wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes with her fingertips. "A Lin, what are you afraid of?"
Feng Lin's eyelashes trembled. He avoided her gaze and his eyes landed on the dark red bloodstain on the ground. "Giving birth… is dangerous…"
Only then did Su Xianyu understand that the tossing and turning in the middle of the night these days, as well as the criss - cross wounds on his wrist at this moment, were all the panic he had been carrying alone.
"Silly." She rummaged through the first - aid kit for the gauze and gently pressed it on his wound. But her tears fell again uncontrollably. "Medicine is very developed now. There aren't that many dangers."
"But what if?" Feng Lin grabbed her hand. His eyes were frighteningly red. "I can't lose you, Xiaoyu. I can't take that risk."
His fingernails were almost digging into her flesh. Hidden in that fierce grip was all the despair of being afraid of losing her.
"You're thinking about that thing about our fates being incompatible again, aren't you?" Su Xianyu didn't care about the stinging pain on her arm. She pulled Feng Lin's hand away from her arm and held it tightly in her palm.
"I don't know who told you this, but things related to metaphysics are always illusory. I only believe that man can conquer nature."
"If we're afraid of everything because of a prophecy, then we won't be able to do anything. After all, even when drinking water, one can choke to death…"
She paused for a moment, leaned close to his ear, and said softly but firmly, "A Lin, this isn't just your business. It's ours."
"If you're scared, I'll hold your hand and we'll face it together."
Feng Lin stared blankly at her. The emptiness in his eyes seemed to be slowly filled with something.
Suddenly, he lowered his head and buried his face in her palm. "Whenever I think about the possibility of losing you, it feels like a piece of my heart has been dug out."
He grabbed Su Xianyu's hand and pressed it against his chest. His heart was beating so fast it felt like it was about to explode.
"Don't think nonsense. We'll always be together."
Su Xianyu leaned down and kissed the top of his head. She picked up the first - aid kit on the ground. When the alcohol - soaked cotton swab touched the wound, he flinched but didn't dodge.
"Don't do this again in the future," she said softly as she bandaged his wound. "When you're in pain, my heart hurts too." She pointed to her chest.
Feng Lin didn't say a word. But when she finished wrapping the last layer of gauze, he suddenly reached out and pulled her into his arms.
"Okay." He mumbled in response, resting his chin on the top of her head. "I won't."
After that night, their days gradually became more relaxed.
Feng Lin no longer hid in the study in the middle of the night. Only occasionally, when Su Xianyu turned over in her sleep, he would subconsciously pull her closer into his arms.
He started watching pregnancy and childbirth science popularization videos with her. Although his knuckles would still quietly tighten whenever he saw the surgical scenes, he would always force a reassuring smile when she looked at him.
The two of them gradually got desensitized through the videos. After some time, Feng Lin's attitude finally eased up. At least on the surface, he was no longer obviously tense.
But recently, he seemed to have a new little secret.
Feng Lin no longer hid in the study like before. Instead, whenever he had time, he would run to the terrace on the upper floor.
But seeing that he was in good spirits, Su Xianyu didn't interfere. It wasn't until one day when she accidentally saw what he was doing. "Is this… me?"