Hearing this, Yong Yaxuan recalled how he had discovered the truth, and once again, his heart was wrenched with pain.
The truth was so cruel that it tortured his heart every moment.
Whenever he thought of the child he had lost, he was overwhelmed with grief. That was the child he and she had so hard to conceive, but he had ended its life with his own hands... He was truly unworthy of being a father...
Unable to hold back his emotions, he sobbed and whispered, "Yu'er, please let me atone for my sins."
"Atonement? Can you really make up for it?" Ji Feiyu was furious. Didn't he know what a terrible thing he had done?
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know you blame me. You blame me for making you lose our child..." Yong Yaxuan's sobs grew more urgent. Finally, he couldn't bear it anymore and spoke out.
Ji Feiyu's head suddenly ached. "The child? How did you know..."
In an instant, she was back in that helpless night. She saw Jinse being swallowed by the sea of fire right in front of her. The choking smoke made her want to vomit. At the moment when Huahudie took her away, she felt a sharp pain in her abdomen, as if something was flowing away. At that time, she thought it was her period. It was only after she woke up and Huahudie told her that she realized she was pregnant, but unfortunately, she had a miscarriage. That moment of mixed joy and sorrow made her blame herself crazily. She had been pregnant without even noticing. How could she be such a mother?
Yong Yaxuan's voice pulled her back to reality in time. She only heard Yong Yaxuan say, "I've checked your medical records in the imperial city. I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Yong Yaxuan's last words were so soft that they were almost inaudible. But what was the use of saying sorry now?
A tear slid down Ji Feiyu's face. This was her self - blame for not being able to protect the child well, and also her helplessness at hating the unfairness of fate.
In this world, how many mothers were as stupid as she was, losing their child silently without even knowing its existence? And the one who was responsible for her losing the child was now pretending to be pitiful in front of her, making her unable to get angry. Why did God give her such pain? What on earth had she done wrong?
Ji Feiyu couldn't hold back her sobs either. Just thinking of the child made her heart ache as if being cut by a knife.
Seeing her crying, Yong Yaxuan wanted to go over and comfort her, to wipe away her tears. But as soon as he took a step towards her, Ji Feiyu stepped back repeatedly. She stared at him fiercely with red eyes, like a frightened little beast. She hunched her body and pointed at him, shouting, "Don't come near me, you murderer! I feel sick just looking at you!"
She rummaged around for things she could throw and threw them all at him. Immediately, the room was filled with a clattering sound.
Yong Yaxuan looked at her sadly and stood still, allowing her to vent her anger on him. After Ji Feiyu finished throwing things, she wanted to open the door and leave. But Yong Yaxuan came to his senses, stepped forward and hugged her tightly from behind. Holding the struggling her tightly, he cried, "Yu'er, please don't leave. I've already lost one child. I can't lose you too..."
Ji Feiyu was instantly enraged. She turned around and pushed him away forcefully, roaring, "It was you who sent me to the cold palace. It was you who wanted to kill me. It was also you who killed our child. All the misfortunes in my life are caused by you. What right do you have to ask me to stay!"
"Yes, it's all because of me. It's all my fault..." Yong Yaxuan couldn't help but shed tears all over his face. But he still wanted to reach out and touch her. He wanted to hold her and comfort her gently, just like many years ago when Cheng Xuan died.
But Ji Feiyu avoided him. She didn't look at him. She wiped the tears from her face and said angrily, "You blamed me for hurting your child with Concubine Xin, so you wanted to take our child's life as compensation? Let me tell you again. I had absolutely no idea about that. It wasn't me who did it!"
Yong Yaxuan's heart was stabbed fiercely. In fact, he had long known that she was innocent. But he still sent her to the cold palace. It was not until the fire in the cold palace later that he realized he didn't even have the chance to clear her name.
"I know it wasn't you who did it..." Yong Yaxuan laughed self - mockingly. "But at that time, there was an argument in the court because of the issue of the imperial heir. All the evidence pointed to you..." Yong Yaxuan seemed to remember his argument with the ministers in the court. "The ministers were shouting for me to depose the queen." A look of sadness flashed across Yong Yaxuan's face. "And I simply didn't have time to search for new evidence to clear your name." Yong Yaxuan was extremely unwilling. "So I had to send you to the cold palace first to calm them down."
"Then why did you force me to drink the muscle - weakening powder?" Ji Feiyu asked angrily.
Yong Yaxuan closed his eyes in despair. There was only pain between his eyebrows. This was the biggest mistake he had ever made. Even after he learned the truth, he couldn't forgive himself. But he still had to tell her what he was thinking at that time, to tell her that it was all because of his own selfishness that all this had happened.
"It was a momentary mistake on my part. I knew you had wanted to go to the cold palace before. I guessed that you must have a way to get out of the cold palace. I was afraid that you would resent me for wrongly accusing you and leave in anger, leaving me no time to explain the whole thing to you. So I came up with this bad idea, just... just to keep you..." Towards the end, Yong Yaxuan felt ashamed of his own actions.
Hearing this, Ji Feiyu lost control of her emotions. It was because of Yong Yaxuan's selfishness that she had lost two important people. What was the use of his remorse now? It was too late!
Ji Feiyu said in a trembling voice, "Do you know that because of this muscle - weakening powder, I watched Jinse die in front of my eyes, but I was unable to pull her out even a little bit; because of this muscle - weakening powder, I could only let Concubine De's dagger stab at me and suffer the erosion of the poison on my flesh and blood; because of this muscle - weakening powder, I didn't even feel any discomfort in my body because I was pregnant, and I couldn't protect it well..." She was so sad that she couldn't go on. She covered her chest and cried loudly.
"Don't say it... I know everything..." Yong Yaxuan's voice was so weak that it was almost gone. For him, wasn't it just as painful? The truth was so cruel that it had already torn him apart. For a long time, he had been like a walking corpse. Only in the middle of the night when he woke up from his dream could he feel that clear stabbing pain, which was a pain he would never forget.
Yong Yaxuan wiped away his tears. As if he had made some kind of determination, he said slowly,
"In the past, no matter what I did, you always supported and accompanied me. Now it's my turn to go crazy for you once. If you want to stay in the Northern Cold Region, I'll stay with you. Whether it's life or death in the future, I'll protect you!"
Hearing this, Ji Feiyu couldn't help but cry loudly. "What on earth do you want to do to let me go? Yong Yaxuan, I'm tired. I'm really tired."
She was really tired. She didn't want to talk to him about these things anymore. She wanted to hide these emotions deep in her heart. She wanted to smile at everyone. Her heart really ached, ached so much! Ji Feiyu pounded her chest hard.
Seeing her like this, Yong Yaxuan also cried like a tearful mess. He became cautious again. He whispered, "Yu'er, from now on, I'll only live for you. Whatever you want to do, I'll accompany you. Okay?"
Ji Feiyu shook her head while crying. "I don't want you anymore. I really don't want you anymore. Don't you understand? I've fallen in love with someone else. Please let me go."